Living decisions in late retirement - Early-Retirement.org

Living decisions in late retirement

Today, 02:32 PM	? #1
Recycles dryer sheets ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 244	Living decisions in late retirement I've just spent the last few months getting my father situated in a senior living arrangement. He really waited too long to do this on his own. He's mostly with us, but physical fragility and creeping dementia has necessitated that my siblings and I help him in these decisions and his move. It has gone very well -- although my siblings and I are worn out! It was a lot of work, from making sure all the legal documents were up to date, to the physical move, to deciding on splitting Dad's possessions that he's not taking with him in his downsized arrangement. So, I started thinking, what about me? I have no kids! Speaking with some friends, they say: "You are lucky, no kid fights." But this isn't always true. My siblings and I have gotten along fine. We're closer than ever with each other and Dad. I think people who say that mostly are joking, although having seen the mess some kids are in, maybe not. But anyway... DW and I have each others as POAs, etc. But when one of us passes first, who will take care of the other? We're not too confident with the crop of nieces and nephews, although one or two stand out as being upstanding enough to do the job, perhaps with compensation. It is time for us to update our legal work, and I'd like to get some contingents in there on this round. I just don't know what to do here. Distant family member? A professional? I'm clueless. Everyone I know in this situation has had someone looking out for them, always a child. Any insights? ' + '?' + google_ads[i].line2 + '?' + google_ads[i].line3 + '?' + '' + google_ads[i].visible_url + ' '; } } '' } if (google_ads[0].bidtype == "CPC") { /* insert this snippet for each ad call */ google_adnum = google_adnum + google_ads.length; } document.write(s); return; } google_ad_client = 'ca-pub-7757781251671730'; google_ad_channel = '3711355403'; google_ad_output = 'js'; google_max_num_ads = '6'; google_ad_type = 'text'; google_feedback = 'on'; // -->
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Today, 03:06 PM	? #2
Full time employment: Posting here. ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: San Diego Posts: 574	Like you - we've been knee deep in eldercare issues. My sister is child-free like you, as is my best friend of 30 years... and I've had long discussions with both of them about just this issue. We've all been dealing with eldercare issues with parents and in-laws. Their first line of attack is to be extra nice to my kids. LOL. They remind my kids that family doesn't mean just mom and dad. My sister and BIL have discussed an assisted living community - the same one my BIL's mom was in for about 10 years. They have LTCI. They have assets. It will just be a matter of picking the time to move. My best friend and her husband are considering, when the time comes, a CCRC type scenario. She's currently dealing with her parents (supplementing their SS because they didn't save enough to cover their expenses.) She wants to NOT be in the same situation as them. If they cashed out their real estate they'd be able to afford the buy in. Both have also discussed - in the far future, signing over POAs (and hanging onto them) to close nephews/nieces... for my sister that would likely be my sons. (Who are still minors, so this is VERY long term planning.) The problem with planning for dementia, etc... is you need to have someone legally able to take over. Real life example playing out right now in my family. FIL has had dementia and been wheel chair bound for more than a decade. MIL has been his caregiver. She had POA for him. He could not sign over POA to anyone else since the dementia became an issue. (Not competant.) She was the only one legally able to make decisions for him - and was no longer making good decisions. She is showing clear signs of dementia (although early) and is no longer able to be his caregiver. (She's in her mid 80's... physically she can't do it anymore.) She's in denial that she needs help, or that he should be in a home. We're in the legal process of getting conservatorship/guardianship of both of them. (Trial is next week.) Do you have trusted friends who are younger? You could sign POAs for them - but not turn them over till needed. Nephews/nieces? The key is to get the notorized POA done ahead of the need. You can keep custody of it - so it can't be used until later. But it has to be done while you're still of sound mind. ' + '?' + google_ads[i].line2 + '?' + google_ads[i].line3 + '?' + '' + google_ads[i].visible_url + ' '; } } '' } if (google_ads[0].bidtype == "CPC") { /* insert this snippet for each ad call */ google_adnum = google_adnum + google_ads.length; } document.write(s); return; } google_ad_client = 'ca-pub-7757781251671730'; google_ad_channel = '3568142076'; google_ad_output = 'js'; google_max_num_ads = '6'; google_ad_type = 'text'; google_feedback = 'on'; // -->
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Today, 03:43 PM	? #4
Recycles dryer sheets ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 244	My best friend and her husband are considering, when the time comes, a CCRC type scenario. She's currently dealing with her parents (supplementing their SS because they didn't save enough to cover their expenses.) She wants to NOT be in the same situation as them. If they cashed out their real estate they'd be able to afford the buy in. This is possible. In my dad's dealings, we've visited CCRCs. But mentally I'm not there yet. Also not age eligible yet. I am keeping an an open mind about them. However, even if in a CCRC, I'd want someone looking out for me if I need to transition from say, independence to memory care. Do you have trusted friends who are younger? You could sign POAs for them - but not turn them over till needed. Nephews/nieces? The key is to get the notorized POA done ahead of the need. You can keep custody of it - so it can't be used until later. But it has to be done while you're still of sound mind. Ah, that's a good point. We have a crop of nieces/nephews. Most will have matured enough (older than 30) in 10 years or so that we could re-visit the idea then. Meanwhile, I'm thinking for the next 10 years, we can name siblings as contingents for POA. I'm thinking of the bad case of getting in an accident where one of us passes, and the other needs assistance... We can't name our siblings forever since both DW and I are the young 'uns in the lots. We are young by many years than any of our siblings. I'd go to an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing and see if he/she has any ideas. I don't think you're at any disadvantage whatsoever. Folks with kids have the issue of wondering if the kids will be in agreement on how to handle things, whether the kids will manage things to maximize inheritance, etc. We're lucky. We are in total agreement so far. We'll be visiting an attorney in a few months and will start discussing this in depth. The advice should be well worth it.
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Today, 03:54 PM	? #5
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post ? Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Independence Posts: 3,879	Yeah, this topic scares us. We are lucky enough to have a non-family young friend - lived with us for a year or so, my gal carried him on her hip when he was a baby, sold him a house, loaned him money, have him working part time for us, sit on his kid... We're kinda counting on him and the good thing is he is proven solid. His plan, which is sorta serious, is to buy 15-20 acres, put up a tall fence and shanties, and care for all the elderfolk he has in his life. Images of senile old folk wandering free on a farm upstate bouncing off the trees and border fences....
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Today, 03:59 PM	? #6
Moderator ? Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Charleston, SC Posts: 9,137	His plan, which is sorta serious, is to buy 15-20 acres, put up a tall fence and shanties, and care for all the elderfolk he has in his life. Images of senile old folk wandering free on a farm upstate bouncing off the trees and border fences.... I'm planning something like that, except with Hooters Girls to wait on the old guys. Seriously, my sister's husband is our executor/trustee so we would be likely to ask him as we get closer to the age this kind of talk happens. Their kids are good, but the oldest isn't but 13 now, so not likely to be able to judge competence for a long time. If you don't have someone good in the wings, might be better to choose a pro, like a trusted attorney. __________________ "Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference." - Mark Twain?One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.? Gerard Arthur Way
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Today, 03:59 PM	? #7
Full time employment: Posting here. ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Illinois and Florida Posts: 732	There are no really good shortcuts to learning about senior care or senior law. The ARE hundreds of websites, and not all are good. The two words to get started with, are Elderlaw, and Eldercare. Google these words, and look for .com, .net, and .org for the better sites. Since legal fees can be high, I would suggest ... First, going to any free website, that walks you through creating a will or a trust. The site will also suggest ancillary will-related legal documents such as Power of Attorney, and Living Wills. Not only will these sites take you through the documents that you'll need, but will ask questions that force you to think through the terms of wills and trusts. At $200 to $300 per hour, most attorneys will be glad to educate on the legalities. Doing it yourself... first... can lower or eliminate the overall expense. We found that doing our homework first, prepared us to ask the questions we needed to know about when we had the will reviewed and drawn up by the attorney... At at total of $200...it was much less than the average of $1,000+ , and we felt more confident when it was finalized. My other recommendation would be to go only to an elderlaw attorney. Most of this is covered in this thread, which, while long, covers some additional information about Continued Care, as well as other things that popped up over the past 24 years. Sharing 23 years of Frugal Retirement Good luck... you are embarking on a tough journey, but the more you learn, the better off you'll be, both mentally, and financially. __________________ Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ~ Mark Twain
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Today, 04:02 PM	? #8
Recycles dryer sheets ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 244	Yeah, this topic scares us. We are lucky enough to have a non-family young friend - lived with us for a year or so, my gal carried him on her hip when he was a baby, sold him a house, loaned him money, have him working part time for us, sit on his kid... We're kinda counting on him and the good thing is he is proven solid. His plan, which is sorta serious, is to buy 15-20 acres, put up a tall fence and shanties, and care for all the elderfolk he has in his life. Images of senile old folk wandering free on a farm upstate bouncing off the trees and border fences.... Well, the topic is not fun. Too many people stick their head in the sand and get in trouble later. Denial, denial. Mom and Dad did good planning when they were in their early 70's. All we had to do was "tweak" the paperwork this last go round. We also know Mom and Dad's wishes exactly since it is written down, and we've discussed it frequently the last 15 years. Never a pleasant discussion, but a necessary one. Now Dad is getting beyond understanding it, so we are glad we know his wishes. As for your friend and his "farm": hey that's probably how some retirement homes were started!
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Today, 04:08 PM	? #10
Recycles dryer sheets ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 244	There are no really good shortcuts to learning about senior care or senior law. ... My other recommendation would be to go only to an elderlaw attorney. Most of this is covered in this thread, which, while long, covers some additional information about Continued Care, as well as other things that popped up over the past 24 years. Sharing 23 years of Frugal Retirement Good luck... you are embarking on a tough journey, but the more you learn, the better off you'll be, both mentally, and financially. I've appreciated your posts, imoldernu. I really like the thread above. You also have good insights on moving through these phases, which is appreciated. As for the lawyer: Mom and Dad used an elderlaw attorney and we're glad they did. I agree with that advice. This is not a "side job" to him, it is actually a calling. Now, DW and I just need to find a good one in our area.
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